Those Phrases from My Dad Which Rescued Me as a First-Time Dad

"In my view I was merely just surviving for the first year."

Ex- reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to handle the difficulties of becoming a dad.

But the reality soon proved to be "utterly different" to what he'd imagined.

Life-threatening health issues around the birth caused his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her main carer in addition to caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a chat with his own dad, on a public seat, that led him to understand he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good spot. You must get some help. How can I help you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, look for assistance and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. While the public is now more accustomed to addressing the pressure on mothers and about PND, far less attention is paid about the struggles fathers go through.

Asking for help is not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are linked to a wider reluctance to open up between men, who still internalise negative ideas of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and doesn't fall with each wave."

"It isn't a show of being weak to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly ahead of a new mother and infant - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the household.

Ryan's conversation with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a respite - taking a few days away, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He came to see he required a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states as well as the day-to-day duties of looking after a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -physical connection and paying attention to her words.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now writing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son better understand the expression of emotion and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked stable male parenting. Even with having an "incredible" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences meant his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when in his youth to modify how he felt, turning in substance use as an escape from the hurt.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he explains. "They can briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Strategies for Getting By as a New Dad

• Share with someone - when you are swamped, tell a family member, your spouse or a professional how you're feeling. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - keep doing the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. This might be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Meet other first-time fathers - hearing about their stories, the messy ones, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that asking for help isn't failing - prioritising yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father subsequently died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the death, having been out of touch with him for many years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the security and nurturing he lacked.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen explain they have become better, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their kids.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I expressed, on occasion I feel like my role is to guide and direct you what to do, but actually, it's a two-way conversation. I'm learning an equal amount as you are in this journey."